a new passion, a new lift...

It's been weeks since I last posted on this blog... not that many people actually read it, but this blog was supposed to be for me to pour out my thoughts, musings and such and not for the sake of other viewers and readers. Yet, I've diverted back to my 'old' pattern-- never finishing what I start. Laziness or just lack of motivation on my part, really... it's annoying! But then it's pretty boring scolding yourself and counter-productive to hurt yourself [slap, punch, kick, spit on, strangle]. Then I found a new passion, for the moment anyways [I.MUST.BE.HONEST!]... Instagram, Hipsmatic and other applications I have on my iPhone... I'm really taking pictures and just editing them using these applications' ready-effects. It's pretty awesome coz no matter how amateurish I am, the effects provided makes me less so. So my lazy-self is intrigue and very much stimulated! HA! I'll be posting all of these pictures here... to fill up pages and to make it seem like I'm ACTUALLY posting something worthwhile... welps, it is worthwhile, yes? for me at least, right? I gotta have an outlet for my bored self... it's not easy being in constant state of boredom, malaise follows and then pretty soon I'll do something crazy to snap myself out of it! So as to stimulate my sense of productiveness and my jest-for-life juices, I will dare enter the world of photography!

my birthday getaway...

Whoa, it's been a while since I posted something here... not much to say right now but I figured I can just post pictures instead..? This is the first time I've seen the coastline of Big Sur and it was worth the trip.
Here are some pictures of the coastline...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For sure, take CA-1 from Morro Bay all the way north... it's sooo beautiful there. The Pacific Ocean looks sooo inviting, and I would have taken a dip if only it wasn't so cold! I'm thinking of driving through there again soon... but the next time I'll plan for several days-- one just isn't enough.

a letter to my papa...

I thought I’m done with my grieving, short as it was. I thought your death didn’t affect me as much as it would to hear that a distant relative died from some distant continent. I thought all the hurt was long past healing but then today, I found out differently. My sister called me up on the phone to ask me if I could make a eulogy for you… to be read during your funeral. Nothing so big, really, just a short concise eulogy—when I found myself getting a little bit lightheaded and my chest tightening up with pressure.  I don’t remember exactly what I told my sister, sufficed it to say it wasn’t nice and I wasn’t polite or respectful, then I started sobbing. I was crying so hard and I was mad, hurt and other emotions I cannot name filled me up. “Papa, I’m mad at you!” I wanted to shout it out loud. I thought the hurt was gone, I thought I got over you. But with you gone, suddenly they bombarded me.  For the first time since I found out you died, my heart finally caught up with what my head knew.

A eulogy, they asked… what’s a eulogy, really? It’s a speech given during a funeral [mostly] about somebody who passed away; a speech full of praise and commendation of the deceased’s life. Usually, a eulogy is given by a close family member, or a dearest friend, who knew the person so well. Maybe, in some cases, they are subordinates in a company, commending and praising a boss they worked with for so long that they’ve gotten to know him personally too. But in our case, between you and me, what can I say? Even when we still lived under one house, I barely seen you or talked to you. You were the papa who was always out and would show up home only when you’re hungry, sleepy and broke. What I remember mostly, in association with you, is the feeling of dread when you were home. You and mom always seem to fight and so we were always scared and I remember us, my siblings and me, hiding under the dining table. And we would whisper amongst ourselves and wishing for you to leave again. Was there any sweet memories? There’s one that so prevalent, but what started out a sweet memory, ended up bitter. I remember you were hungry, so was I, and decided to prepare fried rice and invited me with you. I was so amazed that you were doing something I’ve never seen men do at our house—cook. And I was so thrilled at seeing this awesome event. I felt so special to be the one to witness it. You placed the food on the table and we proceeded to get into it when my sister came home from school… she saw that we were eating and came up to us and asked what we were doing. You told her that you made some fried rice for both of us, and then my sister asked if she could have some, which then you told her NO, for it was only enough for you and me. I was but 4 or 5 years old at that time, but I knew then that it was wrong. I knew how wrong it was for a father to deny his child anything, much less food. And since I’ve eaten some of the food, you also made me into your accomplice. You shared with me the guilt. This is my most vivid memory of you. Why did it have to be this one? Why couldn’t it be an unblemished happy memory? It would have been better to have no memory of you at all, than to have this.

Mom’s side of the family’s always been close, and all knew how much she had to put up with… and most of them weren’t shy to spread the tales of what they know, and were so generous also in sharing their not-so-high opinion of you. Growing up, I knew NO ONE that spoke well of you. Even neutral, random people who knew you didn’t speak well of you. Do you know how exhausting and demeaning it is for a kid to try to defend an indefensible father? My heart broke every time I tried. I remembered writing a letter to mom and asking her to forgive you coz despite everything you were still my father and have that same letter tossed back to my face, with my mom berating me for asking something that I really have no business asking—that I didn’t know what I was asking nor do I know what misery you’ve brought to her life. She did this with a few other family members present… I felt so small that my defense of you ended abruptly that night.

Should my eulogy be about you conning my mom money she saved for our food, shelter and educational expenses? Should I talk about you yelling at us, when we were loud [as kids normally are when they play]? Why didn’t you choose to love us instead? Why didn’t you like us? These are the questions I’ve always wanted to ask you but never had the courage to say then out loud; for fear that you answering, in itself, an acknowledgement of its validity.

But, under the anger… what’s more prevalent for me is the hurt. I hurt knowing that you lived such a life, when it could have been different. I hurt that you lived surrounded with ridicule and put-downs. I hurt that your name, when mentioned, did not inspire trust nor care—instead they inspired anger, disrespect and scorn. I hurt that you died without a single family member on your side. I hurt that you could have had daughters and a son to send you off when you breathed your last. I hurt that I have forgotten the love I have for you… because the truth of the matter is, despite our distance, despite my hurt, despite every negative things—I do love you, papa. I’m sorry that you’ve never heard me say it to you. And I’m sorry I’ve never heard those words from you. As I sobbed my grief, I pray you hear me say, “I love you, Papa… I may have forgotten that I did, but I’ve always have and that I never stopped and that I’ll always will.”

And even when you’ve never said it to me, not in words nor in deeds, now I have come to realize that you loved me in your own way—perhaps not in a conventional way, but loved me in whatever capacity you had. I’m just sad that it took me up until now to see it clearly.  I promise that in your honor I will do everything in me not to commit the same mistakes you’ve done in your lifetime. I will strive to love the people I love the way you’ve never showed me, the way it should be. I will honor you by making you my example. I will honor you by never making you out to be more than you were. I love you, papa… as a child, with no conditions. And I love you, papa… as an adult, with unvarnished truth and understanding. You’ll always have a place in my heart and I promise not to ever forget again.  Save a place for me… I’ll be there soon. Until we meet again


*** to my sister: Well, what do you know? I did it, after all… I made a not-so-conventional eulogy.  This was cathartic… I think I’m really okay with everything now. I feel at peace… THANK YOU, LORD.

turning lead to gold... turning disappointments into blessings

I had high hopes for this weekend past... we were going to go to Big Bear and stay in this huge, $1000/weekend cabin... then, of course, came Murphy's Law. The mountains were then exchanged to the beach... my sister said that it was going to be a beautiful warm day and so we decided to go to Newport Beach. The marine layer in that area was thick and so it wasn't sunny @ all; it was sooo windy and it carried the cold with it. We, thinking it was going to be sunny [per my sister] didn't bring any heavy jackets and were wearing kinda-sorta flimsy ones. WHAT A MESS WE WERE.

But despite everything else, we found that we could laugh at our misfortunes... we find that the cold can tickle us to the bone. We pretty much were stuck inside the tent we put up but we ate, took pictures, drank and exchanged Easter gifts like we didn't have any care in the world. It was drizzling and our tents were shaking by the force of the wind, but we delighted in opening up the Easter eggs that my niece collected. Life tried to make a joke out of our weekend but we were too BLESSED TO BE STRESSED! Hahahaha....

Despite the cold weather, or maybe because of it, the birds were everywhere... Kingfishers, I'm thinking. Now, don't take my word on that since I'm no avian animal connoisseur! I've taken some good pictures of the cove we stayed for about four hours:

The park we stayed at is called Crystal Cove in Newport Beach... it's really lovely there. The path to the beach is a bit steep but it's short and so, doable. I bet there are other alternate paths, just that I didn't want to go down alone since none of my family members wanted to go down with me. The birds were just flying around like they were having an aerial performance and since we were pretty much the only ones in that spot, we felt that the show was meant for us... [talk about self-importance, huh?]

So there it is... a perfect imperfect Resurrection day... and I have to say: Lord, thank you for that day... and all the days that followed and will follow. You are the reason we were able to enjoy our lives; you are the reason why we have to strength to live in this world day after day after day. When you know how things are meant to become, where life ends and eternity begins-- living in the present is much calmer, enjoyable and we definitely know we have something to look forward to.


Lord, You've always been good to us. I would never see an adversity the same way I used to before I knew You. And I've learned that knowing You Jesus had opened my eyes to what really is important in life... the people--not the things nor the places. Jesus, You taught us that when LIFE throws us lemons, we should be thankful, for lemon has several uses. It's a disinfectant, a degreaser, a deodorizer and a flavor enhancer; to not immediately try to make lemonades [other alternatives] but to take time to see the lemon and what it can offer by itself.

My Family

a little PRINCE of a place...

I've always thought myself to be non-maternal... actually, I liked kids as long as I can return them to their parents as soon as the first sign of 'fuss' shows up! Hahahaha... I don't have the patience that's usually needed to be a mother. I think that's why marriage is not in the horizon for me, coz I am just not meant to be a mom. I know you don't have to be a mom when you get married, but for me, it's a package deal. I am very old fashion when it comes to my views on marriage: two people in love, then marriage, then children, then grandchildren and so on and so forth. I don't believe in compromising my beliefs and the values I hold dear and so I'm just content to be single, if I can't have it the way I want it to be. But let's not expand on this subject too much since it's not what this post is all about... maybe I'll do another post talking solely about my beliefs and so on.

But I never thought I could love a kid as much as I've come to love my niece. Moira Pax Therese is my baby, not by birth but by heart. She's the kid that was provided for me, since I'm not going to have one for myself. It's not a possessive love, since I acknowledge that I am not her mother and that she has a complete set of parents and that I'm only her aunt. But that doesn't distinguish or even diminishes my love for this brat. I find myself looking forward to our Saturdays...when it's just mostly her and me. We both love dancing and singing [me off-tune] and we talk, go walking and do impromptu dances on the streets [for shame! lol]. We argue on who gets the upper-hand when it comes to baths [when it's time to quit] and eating candy [I don't like her eating candy]. But all in all, we get along superbly-- that is, until my sister gets into the picture! But, that's another story for another time.

Anyway, last weekend we went to this new place I heard that caters to kids. A restaurant/cafe in Buena Park that is kinda like Chuck E. Cheese, but much fancier. I saw my friend Girlie post some of the pics of her and her family when they went there for a visit on Facebook and I got excited by what I saw. So there we were, about to go in the restaurant, and my niece's first reaction to seeing all the other kids and the toys was just priceless. Her face broke into this shy-but-very-elated expression-- I knew then that this restaurant/cafe is the best invention EVAHH since slice-bread!! Hahahaha...

Here are some pics of the place:

THEIR TAKE ON CHUCK E. CHEESE'S SKYWALK

THEIR COSTUME CLOSET... WHERE KIDS CAN DRESS UP.

THE CARE THEY TAKE ON CERTAIN DETAILS ADDS TO THE AMBIANCE.

I LIKE THE WHIMSICAL FEEL TO THIS PLACE.

THAT'S MY NIECE BEING WATCHED BY ONE OF THEIR ATTENDANTS.

WE WERE ENCOURAGING HER TO TRY THE SLIDE! LOL

With each child, you pay $8 for two hours [in the playroom] and $2 per additional 30 minutes. Each accompanying adult need only purchase a drink or a little snack, but could also order whatever they want in the menu. The restaurant offers Asian Fusion food. They offer some variety of salads, pizzas, pastas and also some Korean cuisines like Bulgogi, Bibimbap and so on. The place is a bit pricey [at least, my friend's opinion], their menus are not extensive, but their serving is HUGE and so makes up for the price. Each of us in my family ordered a dish to share...we wanted to try some of what they offered. When all of them were placed in our table we regretted ordering a dish for each because the serving can feed at least two people for sure. The food were awesome... I like Korean food and so this was sooo the place for me! Here are some of the food that we really liked and has become a favorite:

SWEET POTATO FRIES

BULGOGI DUKBOKI [beef with rice cakes]

MY PICK, THE KOREAN BBQ PIZZA

The place was bright, pristine and so very inviting! My niece was just all over the place, but we need not worry too much because they even have attendants to look out for the kiddos. That was the first time, in sooo many restaurants we have been to, since the niece, that we actually were able to concentrate on the eating part because we didn't have to have someone follow the brat around. I highly recommend this to those moms who need a break, for an hour or two, to just have the luxury to eat something she didn't fix, and having the luxury to be able to sit and enjoy it without having to get up every 3 minutes to check the havoc her child has created. We had such a great time, both the adults and the child. The only regret we had was that we went to the restaurant for a late dinner and so we only had an hour to eat and play before they closed. An hour was just not enough for my niece and so she was not happy, to say the least, about leaving:

I'VE NEVER HEARD SO MUCH 'SIGHS' IN MY LIFE...LOL

CRIED BUCKETS OF TEARS!

So here's the information about the place, if anyone is interested:

Little Prince Kids Cafe

5300 Beach Blvd. 

Suite 110

Buena Park, California

   (714) 690-1432

www.littleprinceusa.com

[caution]

You might want to spend more than an hour there to satisfy your kid, or there'll be some crying you'll have on your hands. Bring a book or a laptop while there so you can do some playing yourself!
But it's time well-worth it.

one of 'em boring days...

Ha... if only life is always full of excitement, no?
But alas, there are days in between those exciting ones that just about kill you with their boredom... today is one of those days. Nothing much to do, no energy to think of anything to do-- one of them 'lazy days' that I used to dread but now have come to appreciate from time to time...hehehe

But lazy days have their purposes, too. It's the time that you can take care of those things you don't usually have time to think about with all the excitement around: organizing your photo files [deleting, editing, compressing]; finish the book you always meant to finish but it's just not exciting enough of a story yet not boring enough to stop reading totally; organize your desk; sort through your pens and  throwing away those ones that no longer writes [I'm such a horder of both useful and useless stuff]. So many little itty bitty minor details that gets shoved under the "can be done later" rug.

So exactly what did I do today? Hmmm, I organized the contents of my external hard drive, water the little house plants, organized my bookmarks on my internet browser, watched some Korean tele-movie on dramafever.com, and did some other little stuff that I can't disclose here [aherm...].

As you grow older, you tend to be more appreciative of these 'lazy days'... the spirit may be eager, but sometimes the body and the disposition is not as inclined to going all out and painting the town red as I did when I was in my early twenties. Now I have started to appreciate some solitary time, time with just family, bathtub moments, and singing off-tune out loud in the privacy of my room. Though nothing can be as exciting as being with friends doing anything and everything under the sun or maybe even moonlight, such boring days hold a certain charm that's unique on their own.

My family is planning to go to Big Bear Lake for the Easter weekend.... I'm hoping I have more exciting tales to share here about that weekend. I've never been to that area before and so I'm sure there's a lot of things to discover and to do 'ohhhs' and 'ahhhs' over. And of course, let's not forget, things and places to take pictures of. Yey!

Flowers here, there and EVERYWHERE!

Whoa! I had sooo much fun last weekend with my family. We went to visit a place that I've heard sooo much about yet haven't had the chance to visit til now...The Flower Fields in Carlsbad, California. Who would have thought that such treasure of a place is practically located at my own 'backyard'! But alas, I have had the chance to visit it, and boy was I a happy camper! Here are some pictures I took from the place...

There's me and my niece... near the entrance.

Most aren't fully bloomed but pretty nonetheless!

These little flower shrubs surround the Sweet Pea Maze.

My Mom's fave orchids: Cymbidium

Ever popular during Christmas, the Poinsettia

Although only 45% of the flowers bloomed fully due to extreme coldness this past winter, it was spectacular nonetheless. My niece, in particular, was just tickled pink with the flowers and the people she saw there. She also danced when a local band played some hickory-dickory music... Again, we had a blast!

On our way out from the place, we stopped to buy some freshly-picked strawberries from the outside stand and had some strawberry shortcake, too!

I sooo recommend you guys to go and visit the place. It's a treasure trove of flowers and arts & crafts... AND, it's also right next to the Carlsbad Premium Outlet Mall!!! Men might not find that last bit of news as great as women would though...hahahahaha! Last weekend was only 45% [bloom] but I'm pretty sure by this next weekend, or perhaps the next one to that, would be just about perfect. Heck, I'm thinking of maybe going there again around that time, too! It's certainly worth a second... a third [and so on...] visit.